Guy Time

Sometimes a guy just got tired of being around women all the time. Sometimes, he just wanted to hang out with some other guys. And that was a bit of a problem when he realized that his whole social circle consisted entirely of females. 
 
Of course, in Jax’s particular case, it was understandable. Omnymphotents were supposed to only be women. He was a complete anomaly in that regard, only coming into existence by the whims of his Splinter-Sister. While he didn’t really have an identity crisis over it, it was hard to really embrace his being a man, outside of the obvious sexual uses, when the vast majority of his memories had been of being Shady, and afterwards, the only beings he ever had much chance to talk to were his fellow Omnys. 

Some of them, of course, would have been happy to take male form around him, and play at being guys for a bit, but it wasn’t really the same. It was different with men who were actually men. They just had a different sort of energy that he felt he really hadn’t been nurturing since his own Creation. The girls, of course, had plenty of exposure to it, because they had dozens to hundreds of mortal lovers, male Playthings they could fool around with, and in some cases, even be friends with. Jax had never taken the time to foster such relationships. He’d had his hands full just pleasing his fellow Omnys. 
 
Maybe it was time to change that. Take some time out to develop some mortal friendships. To do something not revolving around sex, or the extremely occasional time he was called upon to do a little wrist slapping as one of the Five (which invariably led to some sexual-themed punishment 90% of the time). 
 
Still, he found himself pausing as he considered how exactly to go about it. As Shady, she had simply imposed herself on mortals, male and female alike, and pushed them into hypersexual situations, consent often be damned. Rarely had she actually tried to do anything with them beyond that, but occasionally, she’d gotten sentimental enough about a certain boy or girl to actually hang out once in a while. 
 
Jax did not particularly want to follow his Splinter-Sister's footsteps. Maybe he could just sign up for a few clubs on Earth somewhere, just blend in as one of the guys. Go to a college for a year and just play the student for a bit. Or hell, just go to a bar once in a while, and see how things went. 
 
At that thought, he decided to glance over Earth, and scan for a place to go. To his surprise, his cosmic senses almost immediately detected a particularly familiar mortal he had yet to really talk to. He paused to consider. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to start with someone he knew, would it? And now, coming to think on it, it would be interesting to talk to him again, considering all their previous interactions had been when he was still just Shady.
 
Jax could have just popped in on him, but decided he would do the polite thing and call ahead. <Salamando? This is Jax. Are you free?> 
 
*** 
  
Sal didn’t often go to Earth itself anymore. After spending so much time in the various fantastical realms of the Omnys, there really just wasn’t much to interest him on his home planet. Nevermind the dangers still inherent there. Most Omny Worlds were not overtly dangerous to a random traveler unless they were purposefully so, and even then, one could usually find safe zones. But Earth? It was always a risk. 
  
The recreation of his home planet had initially been allowed to remain as fucked up and complicated and dangerous as the so-called “Real World”, complete with all the conflicts and inequity inherent to the human species and its many civilizations. Sal didn’t exactly want to take a stroll through a forest and get attacked by a bear. Or walk through a city and get mugged. Or take a swim in the ocean and get eaten by a shark. Or get hit with a disease. Or end up in a battlefield. Or get his shit stolen. 
  
In truth, however, the Avatar of Salamando had very little to worry about. Between his own Empowerments, and having several divine guardians to help him out, he was probably the safest Mortal in the whole Omnyverse, even in the World where all that fantastical power was meant to not exist.
  
But once in a while, it was nice to return to a World he knew was properly grounded. There was a bit of magic here, and super people, but all evidence of it was buried deeply behind the Masquerade. The people of Earth still had no idea that their reality was merely one layer of a much more fantastical existence. No idea that Gods were very, very real, and walking among them. No idea that their planet existed solely because a handful of omnipotent nymphomaniacs had felt sentimental enough about it to make it the foundational anchor against which the rest of their Creations were juxtaposed. 
  
The thing about living in safety-foamed fantasy worlds for too long is one got too comfortable taking it easy, getting overconfident in ones power while always being able to run away from actual challenges. Too easy to eventually lose oneself in the unreality of it all. Not that the Omny Worlds didn’t have their own harsh edges; even a place as literally soft as Cloth Land had some friction between it’s people. But something about Sal didn’t want him to be totally consumed by the fantastic. Just like spending weeks locked up in ones house, doing nothing but playing video games and jerking off would eventually drive a man insane, there was an existential listlessness to just walking the same circles in the same handful of Worlds, and letting himself just fade into a life of mediocre routine and predictable time wasting. 
  
Not that he was going to go to Earth and throw himself into danger, but just being there, knowing there was a chaotic element he had to be aware of, it sometimes helped when he felt himself becoming too comfortable in his hedonism. And, if nothing else, it was nice to occasionally be around people who weren’t omnipotent goddesses, or the living characters those Goddesses Created. Sometimes it was nice to just be around people, and remember that for all he was a living dream, even he had a sense of mortal sentiment that needed to be slaked. 
  
Naturally, of course, his first visit to Earth in over a year was promptly interrupted by a call from one of those said Goddesses. Or, in this rarest of cases, a God. And that rarity was probably the only reason he didn’t immediately tell them to call back later. 
 
***
 
The red-haired man paused mid-drink, and glanced off to the side. His own Empowerment had become increasingly honed, such that he could trace where Jax’s message was coming from across the veil between dimensions. He had a vague sense of the only male Omny looking into the restaurant from across the Planar Void. 
   
<Not doing anything at the moment> he thought back. <You want to meet somewhere specific? Or you can join me here.>
  
<I’ll join you> said Jax, and he appeared out in the parking lot, in a spot no one was looking. He strode casually into the building, smiled charmingly to the hostess and “happened” to see his Author’s Avatar closer to the back. After a quick word to the hostess, he went over to the table, sitting across from Sal. 
  
“Hello,” he said. 
  
Sal gave him a nod. “Hi.”
  
“Thanks for the meet up! I know I’m probably not top of your list to hang out with.” 
  
Sal shrugged. “Long as you don’t try to fuck me or carry me off to some ridiculous shenanigan.”
  
Jax smirked. “I’ll refrain from stating to not knock it till you try it!” 
  
“I appreciate it.” Sal looked him over. Jax was handsome, and had obvious muscle-tone, but he didn’t oversell it, dressing in jeans and a collared shirt that looked like it might have been a well-known brand, but didn’t have any exact identifiers as such. He could see the resemblance to Shady. Not quite a twin brother, but perhaps just a year older.
 
“Do you mind if I call you Sal?” said Jax. “I heard a rumor you might be changing identities.”
 
“Well. I’ve been trying to go by Wander these days. That’s how I’ve been introducing myself to other mortals in my travels. But that’s just a placeholder name till I figure out a better one.” He frowned. “Which is what I had been telling myself, but it turns out our Author’s officially retired from smut, so he’s given up the Salamando name. So now I guess there’s not much reason to change it. I’m used to it, and it’s how the rest of you know me. So, I dunno. You Omnys can keep calling me that. I don’t mind.”
 
Jax nodded. “As long as you’re comfortable with it.”

The waitress came with a refill to Sal’s tea and presented a sandwich with fries. She blinked to see Jax, and smiled a bit wider at him than she had at Sal. The latter didn’t take it personally. Jax was an Omny after all. If he hadn’t made a point to tamp down his Erotic Essence all the way, every woman whose sight he crossed would probably be soaking their panties already. As it was, the man had a natural charm to him. 
  
Jax ordered a burger and a soda, mostly to be polite to the business. He didn’t really need to eat, of course. 
  
“So,” said Sal, after the waitress left looking a little pink in the cheeks. “How can I help you?”
  
“Well, if I can be blunt,” said Jax. “You ever get tired of the clambake?” 
  
Sal let out a bark of a laugh, almost spitting out part of his sandwich. “You know, honestly, I’ve gotten so used to being around women most of the time, it does feel a little weird to just be sitting here with another guy.” He paused and gave Jax another look.
 
“Well…” he paused again, then waved it off. “Ah, nevermind. Insensitive of me.”
  
“You can say it,” Jax said. “I know I’m a freak, even by Omny metrics.”
 
Sal scowled. “You’re all freaks, but that is not what I was about to say.”
 
“Relax, I’m fuckin’ with you.”
 
Sal rolled his eyes. “Okay, Shady.”
 
Jax laughed at that one. “Well, you’re not technically wrong there.”
 
Sal frowned. “Sorry. I guess there’s no polite way to talk about it, but it does make me wonder. Omnymphotents are supposed to only be women. Whatever other form they take, they’re still a human woman at the core. So, the thought occurred just then, are you actually a man, or are you still a woman just wearing a man’s body?” He held up his hands in a defensive gesture. “And I realize how transphobic that sounds, which is why I wasn’t going to say it. Even though you can read my mind anyway.”
 
“I’m not hung up on being a transman, and I’m not insulted,” Jax said, waving him off. “I get it, it’s about worldbuilding discrepancies.” He shrugged. “We’ve come to understand the rules aren’t so clear cut. But I think the woman-only thing still holds true. I’m an exception only because Shady wanted me to be an exception.”
 
Sal smirked. “That Shady, always breakin’ the rules.”
 
“Tell me about it.”
 
The waitress came by and gave Jax his order. He couldn’t help but flirt a bit with her, and she giggled, lingering at the table a bit longer. To her credit, she didn’t completely forget about Sal, checking if he needed another refill before walking to another table. 
  
Jax paced himself through his meal, while Sal steadily worked through his, finishing well before the other man. 
 
“It is strange though,” said Jax. “I’ve not had any sort of gender identity crisis over it, but it is something I think about sometimes. All my inherited memories are Shady’s, but when she made me, I was a fresh personality awakening in a man’s body. I don’t feel any more female than you do, but my whole life before Splintering was as a woman.” 
 
He shook his head. “Even calling myself her Splinter feels inaccurate. Yes, she made me out of a duplicate body of herself, but I wasn’t a previous identity she was struggling to decide whether or not to keep being. Even when she took male form for sex, it’s not like Shady took a male soul, if you see what I mean.”
  
“So you think you’re more of a Created?” said Sal.
 
“I guess the difference is semantics at this point. We’re all Created, if you want to get technical about it.” Jax made a slight grin. “Speaking of, all this talk of sex and gender. When you consider the Omnys were based in a man’s idea of a hypersexual woman, it could be said that Shady was already closer to being a man than your average woman from the Author’s world.” 
  
“Tch, maybe.” They were silent for a bit, and Jax worked through more of his meal as Sal finished his up. “So…” 
  
“Yeah…” said Jax, nodding. 
  
“Are we failing the Reverse-Bechdel Test?” said Sal with a smirk.
  
Jax shrugged again. “Sorry. I don’t actually do a whole lot other than the girls.” 
  
“Guess it’s a little tough being the only God in the Punani Pantheon,” said Sal. “For that matter, you can read my mind, so, what could I tell you that you don’t already know?” 
  
Jax smirked back. “I like actual conversation, too. But yeah, not a lot to say.” 
  
“We could just sit here and enjoy each other’s masculine company.”
  
“Could.” He grinned sardonically and winked. “Could go for a roll if it gets too boring.” 
  
Sal frowned slightly. “Sorry. I’m not gay, and I’m not bored enough with hetero-sex to try it out.”
  
Jax’s form shifted, suddenly taking the appearance of a beautiful woman. Not Shady, but perhaps if Shady had an older sister. “I take this form every once in a while. I could take it for you.” 
 
Sal paused to debate it for a moment, then said, “Nah.”
 
Jax shifted back to male. “Or I could—”
 
“If you’re going to suggest turning me into a woman, Lettie, Megan, and Shady have beat you to the punch there.”
 
Jax laughed. “How’d you like it?”
 
Sal scowled. “I feel I might have been able to actually enjoy it more if I wasn’t being raped blind at the time.”
 
Jax’s expression sobered up a bit. He paused, then said, “For what its worth, I’m sorry for all the things Shady did to you that was against your will.”
 
Sal sighed, took a drink, then stared into the mug for a while. “I appreciate it, but in a way, I literally did it to myself. I am, or, was, the Author Avatar. So my Author threw ‘himself’ into those situations, either because it gave him a boner, or because it was part of his mid-life crisis processing.”
 
“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re the one actually going through it.”
 
“Yeah. Well. In the end, things turned out pretty alright.” Sal tapped his head. “The thing about living in a fantasy scenario? You can mitigate a lot of consequences. What the Omnys did to me in the past, even ignoring the gulf between a god and a mortal, I should be dead a hundred times over, and mind broken a thousand times that. But, I’m not. I don’t even really have PTSD over it. Somehow. The memories aren’t that pleasant, but I’m not ruined by them.” He took another drink. “It helps the good girls are looking after me now.”
 
Jax smiled. “I’m glad.” He winked. “Still, if you want to give me a chance sometime, offers on the table.”
 
Sal let out a little laugh and said, “And here I thought you’d be exhausted with fucking.”
 
“You know that’s not existentially possible for us,” said Jax with a laugh.
 
“Right.” Sal paused and looked him over. “Maybe someday.”
 
“I’ll hold you to it,” said Jax. “Still, I’m surely the last Omny you’ve yet to sleep with.” 
  
Sal let out a short laugh. “Actually, no. Haven’t slept with Illia or Domina or RoseGold yet. And of course, Devi’s off the table.” 
  
Jax laughed. “You’re gunna lose your stud card, man! You’re fallin’ behind!” 
  
Sal smirked slightly. “You know, despite it all, I still don’t feel like a stud. Just the toy that got passed around.” 
  
Jax’s smile thinned. “Yeah. Funnily enough, I know what you mean.” 
 
They were silent for a moment, each sipping a drink. Sal glanced to him. “I guess you’re not given much of a break, huh?” 
 
“Oh, once the novelty wore off, things slowed down. Now I mostly kinda flit between Megan and the rest of the Five. Between all that, though, I don’t really have anything going on, as I said. I kind of just chill out in various spots on Earth and Thrae. I admit, though, I haven’t given myself much opportunity to make mortal friends of my own. Had a couple quick flings, but I don’t really have any Playthings.”
 
He blanched slightly. He didn’t much care for the word, and it felt doubly tasteless hearing himself say it. But it was the parlance the other Omnys used, even the good girls who didn’t mean it the way it sounded.
 
Sal noticed his expression, and picked up on the reason for it. The thought occurred to comment that Jax really wasn’t like Shady, but he felt it an unnecessary to state the obvious. Instead, he gave a nod, and said, “Have you made a World yet?”
 
Jax shook his head. “Haven’t really felt the call for it. Couldn’t think of anything to make, aside from just not wanting to repeat Shady’s Worlds. Not just for the sake of being different, mind, just for the sake of, like, her Worlds definitely have themes going on that I don’t particularly care for.” He shrugged. “But I guess if I am that different from her, it could be I just don’t have that creative spark she does. Or at least, I’m not motivated for it like she is.”
 
Sal nodded in thought. “I guess part of the initial desire to make their Worlds was to make customized fetish play pens as much as flex their cosmic powers. Shady made Worlds catering to her extreme femdom sensibilities. You, on the other hand, if I may make a guess, your drive is to just kind of look out for the others. You’re the Big Brother, so you get to be the responsible den father while the girls all get to play around.” He paused. “Or it could be, the girls make their Worlds to play their sex games, but you’ve got your hands full playing with them already, so you don’t feel much drive to make a World to fulfill that side of you?” He shrugged. “I dunno. Sorry, I’m psycho-analyzing you for some reason.”
 
Jax chuckled. “Well, I’m not one of your characters. I was Splintered off after you’d been sent here already. So maybe I’m a little mystery box for you to unpack.”
 
Sal smirked. “It is pretty uncanny to meet new characters that the Author made, that I might have made if I’d still been him. It’s almost like getting writing notes from your future self. Your brain technically made something, but you hadn’t done it yet, so it’s a new idea to you, even though you made it.”
 
“Kinda wild,” Jax said with a nod.
 
A little more silence. “So…” said Sal. “You, uh… wanna go fishing or lift weights or throw a football or something else especially manly?”
 
“Eh… would you enjoy any of that?”
 
“I’m more a long walk through the woods kinda guy, myself.”
 
“We could do that.”
 
“Alright. Sure.” By this point, both men were finished with their meals. Sal paid for them both, though Jax added to the tip, quite generously. The waitress was a little flushed as Jax flashed her a grin and a wink, and she didn’t quite realize how much change she’d be keeping until after they two men left.
 
Heading out into the parking lot, the two glanced around, then vanished off Earth. Jax let Sal pick the destination, then followed along his warp trail. They reappeared on the trail of a random park, somewhere in the Mid-West of the United States. The trail was a beaten dirt path through a long stretch of woodland, nice pleasant weather making it perfect for long walks.
 
Sal summoned a coin, flipped it, and then started walking west along the trail. Jax followed, and motioned to the coin as Sal made it vanish. “So where do you get your money? You earn stuff from odd jobs, or do you just steal it, or does Kat give you an allowance?”
 
“You can read my mind.”
 
“Conversation, remember?”
 
Sal let out a little grunt. “Trying to think of conversation topics not about the girls,” he pointed out.
 
“It always comes back to them, huh?”
 
“I guess it does.” Sal shrugged. “I used to just rely on my home for any resources I needed. Clothes, meals, toiletries, etc. The tavern and the shop can generate whatever basics I need, up to a point. But, you know, once I started actually going out into the Worlds more, I sometimes needed to actually pay people for stuff. So, yeah, I started putting myself out there to do the occasional odd job. Easiest way, or at least the simplest way, is to take advantage of the quest and treasure hunt economies of a few of the different Worlds. Most don’t pay in Earth currency, though.
 
“After Cyl and Kat claimed me, I spoke to all the Omnys about where I stood with them all, and Whitney said I could always make deals with her. Well, not too long after that, I was teamed up with a few people as Wander, and part of our questline led to encountering her in her Merchant guise. We did some trading with her, a couple of the others got some magic equipment in exchange for loot we’d found, or agreeing to do her favors. I was going to pass on all that, but then I had the thought, it’d be nice to not have to worry about money.”
 
He held out a hand, and a small leather wallet appeared in his palm. “When the others weren’t looking, she took me aside and offered a special deal. She could Bless me with the Infinite Wallet, in exchange for letting myself be one of the servant toys for one of her sex parties. I went for it.”
 
Jax let out a laugh. “So you prostituted yourself! Gotta say, you got one hell of a payout!”
 
Sal smirked. “Hey, I earned it! It was one of those week-long holiday binge-orgy fests, with all different Playthings coming and going. Worked nine days straight, barely any breaks, no sleep, servicing all the guests.” He shook his head. “Lettie and Shady even showed up to the party, and since they were guests, I had to go along with some of their nonsense, too.”
 
“And how did Kat take you going off and fooling around with the Omnys she’s supposed to be guarding you from?”
 
Sal shrugged. “Well, the others can’t just jump me and torment me out of nowhere, but if I run into them in my travels, or go to them for something, that’s on me to suffer the consequences.”
 
He made the wallet vanish. “Anyway, the Infinite Wallet gives me an endless well of pocket money in the currency of whatever world I’m in. The amount I can draw out in the moment doesn’t go over a couple hundred dollars, and I can’t just open the wallet, pull out a hundred, close the wallet, reopen it for another hundred, etc. I have to spend the money in a full transaction before I can make another transaction, and the couple-hundred cap off still hits if I make a few transactions in a row. Once I hit it, there’s a cooldown of a few hours to a day before I can spend with it again. And I also can’t accumulate higher amounts by waiting. If I want to spend a couple grand on something, I need to ask Whitney for it as a loan, and then I have to do her another little favor. But smaller transactions are free, so basically, I can always have enough to eat out somewhere, or buy a few clothes or groceries or books or something. Oh, also, it doesn’t work electronically online. I can use a credit card function, but only if I’m physically at a place to use it.”
 
“Seems reasonable,” said Jax.
 
Sal paused, then smirked. “What a boring fucking topic to go on about.”
 
“Oh, I dunno, I think it’s neat.”
 
“Sure.”
 
They walked a bit longer. “So, how about you? You got any nitpicky niche thing to talk about that’s somehow still related to the girls?”
 
Jax laughed. “I dunno. Nothing like that, really.” He paused. “I ended up having a drink with Don Joe one night. I was sitting at a bar, chillin’ between visiting Cyl and visiting Megan, and I wasn’t paying attention, so it caught me off guard. But he sat down next to me, and we got to talking a bit. He’s a cool guy. I didn’t reveal what I was to him. It was kind of nice talking to a guy who was aware of the Omnys, but didn’t know I was one.”
 
“Haven’t actually met him yet, myself,” said Sal.
 
Jax shook his head with a smirk. “I hate to say it, but the first thought I had once I realized who he was, was ‘oh shit, man, I was just inside your woman!’”
 
Sal laughed. “I want to say that’s awful, but it’s not like she’s cheating. And I don’t think he minds being in an open relationship.”
 
“Yeah.” Jax glanced over to him. “How’s that going for you, by the way?”
 
Sal shrugged. “Seems I’m completely over my hang ups about that.” He smirked. “That’s how I know I’m just a fantasy self-insert.”
 
“Ha. Well, I know we share a lot of the same girls, so I’m glad this isn’t awkward for you.”
 
“Well, it really is different with you lot.” Sal shrugged again. “Fantasy stuff aside, you’re all Gods I’m largely in fling relationships with. I love Kat, but even we don’t hang out like a real couple that often. Not like she does with Ben, and even with Ben, they aren’t, like, attached at the hip or anything.” He paused. “Not that I have any desire to, but if I decided one day to settle down with a woman, really settle down and raise a family, it might be different then. But I don’t see that happening for me.”
 
“Not even with a mortal Avatar of Kat?”
 
Sal shook his head. “Nah. Not even then. Although, eternity is a long time. Maybe some day.”
 
They walked another couple of miles alone the trail in total silence.
 
“Getting bored yet?” said Sal.
 
Jax shook his head. “Not at all. You know we don’t really get bored.” He glanced to him. “If you are, we can do something else.”
 
“I’m okay. I guess I really am just not used to hanging out with another guy. I mean, I’ve hung out with Ben a little, but, you know, we’re both self-inserts. It’s almost like we’re Splinter-Brothers ourselves.” He motioned between himself and Jax. “This feels almost like being on an awkward date.”
 
“So we’re dating now?”
 
“We did just do lunch. If we go see a movie, we’ll be locked in.”
 
Jax laughed. “Any good ones out right now?”
 
Sal made a dismissive wave. “Buncha sequels and remakes and franchise tie-ins. And probably some artsy indies.”
 
Jax made a mock-grimace. “Maybe we should just skip straight to the sex.”
 
Sal paused and looked him over. He sighed and shrugged. “Fuck it. Try anything once.”
 
Jax blinked. “I was joking.”
 
“So was I.”
 
Neither laughed. The two looked at each other for a long moment. Jax smirked, and shifted back to his female form. “Still joking?”
 
Sal hesitated a moment, then stepped closer. “Still waiting for the punchline.”
 
“She” stepped into him, and they slipped their arms around each other. “You sure?” she said in a whisper.
 
“Just don’t futa me halfway through.”
 
She laughed. “Don’t worry, I always save that for the second date!”
 
***
 
A few hours later, the two lay in a sweaty sprawl on a large bed, inside a cabin in the woods Jax had conjured a few miles off from the trail. Jax, still in his female form, smiled at Sal. “I can see why the girls still like to pester you!”
 
“They forced enough practice on me early on, I had to get good at fucking them.” Sal glanced over to him. “Thanks for taking it easy on me.”
 
“I’m nice like that,” Jax said with a laugh. He shifted back into male form, and the two lay in silence for a bit, until Sal got up and got dressed. Jax followed suit. “Sorry this just ended up reverting to type.”
 
Sal shrugged. “You’re sex gods. It almost can’t not.”
 
“Yeah,” said Jax. He shook his head. “I really need to find some hobbies of my own.”
 
“I could probably use a couple new ones myself,” said Sal. He smiled. “You wanna go on a manly quest to find something to do besides each other?”
 
Jax cocked an eyebrow at him. “You ain’t kickin’ me out right after the lay?”
 
Sal smirked. “You didn’t wear me out to within an inch of my life, so I got some energy left.”
 
“Well, aren’t you a gentleman.”
 
“I know, right? So what shall we try first?”
 
Jax thought it over for a moment as he vanished the cabin, restoring the bit of forest he’d temporarily displaced. “How about we go fishing while we talk about the wildest shit the other Omnys had us do?”
 
“Poor Reverse-Bechdel. We just can’t give the guy a break.”
 
“Bechdel was a woman.”
 
“Right, so Reverse-Bechdel would be a guy.”
 
“Oh yeah.”
 
And with that, the two vanished to find a good spot to wile away the rest of the day.